A lesson learnt.

A lesson has been learnt by me today and I am kicking myself for my naivety. For a week or so I have felt good, I felt positivity about the future. Partly fuelled by the acceptance that being alone and no longer wanted is my future. I felt like some closure would be imminent. How wrong I was. It hit me like a shovel to the face today. The start of a depressive period and with it a hefty dose of self loathing, disgust and regret. How could I let myself feel like this again? I feel on the brink of tears at the imminent exhaustion, insomnia and constant feeling of my brain been on a treadmill.

I naively thought I had turned a corner and that my depression was under control. A lesson learnt. It will never be under control, it will always be in the background stalking me, waiting for my guard to drop, looking for an opportunity to exploit a weakness. A new feeling for me has been the self-loathing. Previously I stated in my blog that self-loathing wasn’t something I was partial to but now it is rushing over me and suffocating me. It’s turns my stomach to thing how I have acted in the last few months. How could I make mistake after mistake and continue to hurt people I profess to love? I often joke about being a horrible person but I never truly believed it. Now I am beginning to think maybe there is some element of truth to that. The truth is often said in jest as the saying goes. After all if I genuinely wasn’t that person I wouldn’t hurt people I love, would I? Apologies for the self loathing and darkness but there is little point writing this blog if it doesn’t give a true insight into the mind of someone battling crippling depression.

The list is endless. Career that millions would love to do? Yep, fucked it up. An amazing partner and family that millions would love? Yep, fucked it up. A chance to be financially secure,an opportunity that millions would love? Yep fucked that up as well. Sat here in my 30’s with nothing to show for it except a trail of broken dreams, a collection of people I have hurt, regrets, remorse, depression, and self loathing. Not for the first time I am thinking what is the point carrying on. The future feels bleak again and the darkness has enveloped me again. I’m not sure I have the strength to push on again. I had the opportunity to have an amazing life with good friends, love with someone amazing and special, a career to be proud of and the support of a good family, now I have a fraction of that. As I lay here trying to go to sleep, a question that will haunt me, will be how did I manage to get to this stage? Just when did I lack the insight to see what I could of had in life? Life feels pointless and really who would miss me? A handful of people perhaps but they would move on as life has a to go on. It feels like the end could be near for me. So many questions I am asking myself today but there is one quote that I have used before and it was by the great wordsmith, Jim Morrison. I read it all the time and it resonates with me and makes complete sense to me,

“People fear death even more than pain. It’s strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend…”

If all I have to look forward to is a life of pain and hurt then I will embrace the day the pain is finally over. People who know my struggles should acknowledge that the pain will have gone for me. Finally.

Thanks for reading.