‘You won’t feel a thing…’

One thing that I often sense is how difficult it can be for people to understand is just how bad depression makes you feel. The vast majority of people have days where they feel a bit low, or a bit sad and they don’t know why. Those feelings more often than not disappear after a short time, depression feels like that but multiplied. I’m going to describe the feelings I have been having in the last week or so to try and provide some insight.

I felt the familiar, telltale signs and symptoms coming over me approximately a week ago. I almost smiled to myself and gave them a nod, like you would an old friend in the street. I started to become withdrawn, I felt it, I wanted it. Interactions reduced to mumbles and decreased communication become the norm. I don’t want to make plans, I don’t want to look forward and I don’t want to think about being happy. My mind racing about, darting from one topic to another the only connection is the irrationality of them.

This period has been particularly exhausting, the thought of suicide has invaded my every waking moment. Standing using the toilet, my hand stretched out idly and my brain saw the opportunity. ‘The bath is there. A knife, a hot bath and you peacefully slip away. You won’t feel a thing I promise.’ Just like that, the seed was planted. Could I? Should I? It would certainly put an end to the vicious circle. I fought back, I pushed the thoughts away and I busied myself. I needed to nip out in the car. He’s back. ‘Push the pedal down. Right down. 10 seconds and aim for that tree. Game over. You won’t feel a thing I promise’ I ignored the idea. I turned the radio up and carried on. That’s twice today you have goaded me and I haven’t risen to it. I hope you don’t go for the hat trick. Oh. You did. I stand brushing my teeth. ‘Take those tablets. All of them. Go on, you will slip into a deep sleep and never wake. You won’t feel a thing I promise.’ I finished my teeth and went to bed. No pause, no hesitation, I pushed it away and went to bed. Another day survived.

Pushing those thoughts away multiple times a day, whilst trying to be a normal part of society, working , socialising and interacting. I hate it. I have to carry on though, I have to believe it won’t always be like this. I have to. I need that hope. Any hope.

Thanks for reading.

Sliding Doors

Sliding Doors

That one moment where you can pinpoint your life went down a different route. I can think of three distinct moments in my career where I chose the wrong path. Easy to say looking back but I’m convinced it’s the case.

One thing I despise is losing. I’m a vile loser at anything and that includes football. For some reason I chose not to rock the boat when I felt I was losing or being hard done to. Looking back I think it was my age and naivety. Allow me to set the scene.

I made my full debut for Tranmere away at Luton. I always hated Kenilworth road as an away venue. Rubbish changing rooms, bobbly pitch, aggressive fans who are right on top of you. I got the nod to play on the Friday and I was anxious. We were pushing to try and get into the play off last in the last 6 games. My GK ‘coach’ didn’t want to travel down on the Friday so entered my room at 6am after he had driven down in his own car so he could get some sleep. He woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was and still am a poor sleeper so heading to the ground I was tired, anxious and felt dreadful. The warm up came and lethargy overcame me. I pushed through. And through. I made it to the end, 0-0. A clean sheet. I felt the weight lift.

The next game came, a home match against a poor Wycombe team. Anxious but more confident after a solid full debut. We won 1-0 and I had a quiet game but did everything competently and tidily. 2 games and 2 clean sheets. I was buzzing. The next fixture was Notts County away. I fancied it, the pitch was decent, a lovely stadium and I was buzzing. My anxiety was greatly reduced and replaced with confidence. The team wasn’t announced until an hour before kick off but I wasn’t worried. Why should I be? 2 games, 2 solid performances, 2 clean sheets.

The gaffer pulled me into the shower area “I’m not playing you today. I’m going with the experienced option” I didn’t say anything. “Alright Son?” I mumbled “Yes gaffer” I regret my reaction to that moment all the time. I was fuming. Instead of voicing that there and then, I rolled over and didn’t say a word. I walked over to my dad in the crowd during the warm up and told him I had been dropped. He was equally as angry and in disbelief. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I still am. I didn’t play again that season and we didn’t make the play offs. In my mind I would of played those 4 remaining games, getting better and better as my confidence increased and I would of more than likely started the following season as the number 1.

The following season I played a good few games in a successful season that saw us make the playoffs. I was out of contract that season and whilst I was in the team we had a run of one loss in nine. Contract talks were held, and reassurances given about a new deal once the season was concluded. Don’t worry, the deal will be there, you concentrate on playing. How naive of me. I was called on at the end of the season. “It’s best you move on” I was devastated and crestfallen. I was happy and had a 6 month old child at home. I walked in at home, picked my daughter up and burst out crying. I felt like a failure and like I had let down my family. This directly lead to the last sliding doors moment.

I had a choice. Bradford or Grimsby. League 1 v League 2. Pay the same or pay cut. Be a No 2 or No 1. I chose the latter. It was the wrong decision. I tried to stay in the higher league, reasoning I could always drop down to league 2. The truth was I couldn’t afford to take a pay cut and buy/rent a second house on the other side of the country. Rest as they say is history.

Why can’t I let these moments go? I don’t know but they contribute to my self loathing and hatred of myself immensely. Maybe one day I will let go.

Thanks for reading.