Scared.

I’m scared.
Definitely a new feeling associated with my depression. I was discussing my blog with a friend who suffers with depression and I was presented with a pretty unique take on mental health by them. Their theory on it, is that we are the way we are. Depression is part of a persons make up. It is what is and doesn’t go away. Thing is ever since then I have been contemplating that theory. What if this is it? It’s part of my make up. I am having a hard time imagining that this is it. I’m scared. The thought scares me. 

I’m on a downward spiral. 12 months ago I had a partner, a family, a house, a mortgage, a job I was happy in. Today non of those are left. I am wary of sounding like I am whinging. I don’t lack perspective. I know people are worse off than me, physically and mentally. The materialistic things in life really don’t matter but ultimately we all go to work to achieve the same goals, to have security and a sanctuary to return home to. I just want to go away somewhere, anywhere and just be alone. Away from people. I’m lonely but I crave solitude.
  
Every time I hit a low point I think it’s the bottom. I shouldn’t be surprised when I get lower. I know what I need to do and to someone looking in it must seem so pathetic to be like this and not do something, anything about it. I can’t explain how hard it is. It’s physically exhausting to do anything. I have good intentions but my good intentions get overpowered by my apathy. Combining apathy with the fear that this is lifelong is a potent mixture. 
I’m scared.