Finally something positive.

Finally something positive.

Following my previous blog it’s clear I am in a pretty poor state. Purely existing instead of living and get on in life. I summoned the effort (courage?) to try and improve things. It was prompted by listening to a podcast about the life of Dean Windass on talksport. He has always been a player that splits opinion due to his way if playing the game. I played with Dean for 18 months and I can honestly say I found him to be great to be around. Arguably one of the best players I have played with as well, any ball at him or within 2 yard and his touch was superb. Also jumped and timed heading the ball, so well he was brilliant to have up top. It has been well documented about Dean attempting to take his life and his interview discussed him visiting The Sporting Chance Clinic and how it helped him immensely. I thought about contacting the clinic for a couple of days and I did via email. I was put in contact with someone who explained that I wasn’t eligible for the program they run as its more suited to addiction than mental health problems. They did however put me in touch with a private psycho therapist and explained to me that the PFA will cover any costs as a life long member. I genuinely felt that the person cared about helping me and that meant a lot as support feels so far away at times. 

Having tried counselling and not enjoyed it, I am hoping this experience is better suited for me. Frankly I will try anything at the moment to feel better. I am trying to be positive and go into this with an open mind. With a bit of luck I can get some tools to help me deal with life’s up and down in a more balanced way. I am still feeling deeply unwell and each day is a struggle but I feel that taking this step, no matter how small it may seem should be deemed as a positive. I have other issues I really need to address as they are eating me up inside but I’m playing the long game so to speak. My biggest fear is hitting a low period that takes away all rational thought and imam unable to stop myself making the wrong decision. I can only deal with that as it occurs though.

Thanks for reading.

What is the point?

What is the point?

I’m back in the negative cycle, withdrawing and not wanting to do anything. Today consisted of spending 14 hours in bed before finally forcing myself to get up. I have 4 days to come at work and I am dreading it. Already the thought of my alarm going off in the morning is filling me with dread. Getting up and putting the work mask on, listening to other people’s day to day bullshit numbing my brain. My eyes are low and my brain is fogged. I feel like I’m out of my body, experiencing my life from a far in the third person.

Through work I often have contact with people who are experiencing tough times themselves, including mental health problems, depression and suicidal thoughts. It often feels very close to the bone when I am sat listening to someone tell me what has driven them to the brink, to finally make that conscious decision to try and take their own life. Those people have my utmost respect and attention. It’s like looking in a mirror and seeing a reflection of my emotions and thoughts. I am armed with the rare insight through my work experiences to take my own life and mean it. I could click on a website right now and order a certain tablet in the guise of using it for the proper way, blend a certain amount up, drink it and that would be it. No more. A scary thought for most I should think but not me. I’m very close to embracing the relief it would bring.

Right now I feel like not being here is a realistic goal in life. I’m intensely lonely and isolated. I’m not where I want to be, I’m not where I belong and won’t be for the foreseeable future. What’s stopping me? The reasons get less and less every single waking hour. I’m pretty sure the majority of people I have contact with would shrug the shoulders and move on quickly. My close friends know my struggle and would probably appreciate that I could no longer carry on in this way and be happy I found peace at last.  I no longer have anyone to show interest in my life so that isn’t a consideration. I have a daughter who I see regularly but the pain of not being closer to her and experiencing her growing up, contributes to my desire to look for a better place plus I know she would go on and be fine without me. That leaves my parents who are the best anyone could ask for. They would be heartbroken but I would hope they could understand I would be looking for a better place. As the tears track down my face as I write this I realise I am justifying to myself reasons to give up. Reasons to stop fighting and submit to this god awful illness to stop feeling the pain.

Those who read my blog regularly will be well used to my association with how I’m feeling with song lyrics and in particularly Morrissey.
He once sang

“And when I’m lying in my bed

I think about life

And I think about death

And neither one particularly appeals”

As it stands I don’t know which is the better option. So I keep asking myself,

What is the point?

Thanks for reading.

A lesson learnt.

A lesson has been learnt by me today and I am kicking myself for my naivety. For a week or so I have felt good, I felt positivity about the future. Partly fuelled by the acceptance that being alone and no longer wanted is my future. I felt like some closure would be imminent. How wrong I was. It hit me like a shovel to the face today. The start of a depressive period and with it a hefty dose of self loathing, disgust and regret. How could I let myself feel like this again? I feel on the brink of tears at the imminent exhaustion, insomnia and constant feeling of my brain been on a treadmill.

I naively thought I had turned a corner and that my depression was under control. A lesson learnt. It will never be under control, it will always be in the background stalking me, waiting for my guard to drop, looking for an opportunity to exploit a weakness. A new feeling for me has been the self-loathing. Previously I stated in my blog that self-loathing wasn’t something I was partial to but now it is rushing over me and suffocating me. It’s turns my stomach to thing how I have acted in the last few months. How could I make mistake after mistake and continue to hurt people I profess to love? I often joke about being a horrible person but I never truly believed it. Now I am beginning to think maybe there is some element of truth to that. The truth is often said in jest as the saying goes. After all if I genuinely wasn’t that person I wouldn’t hurt people I love, would I? Apologies for the self loathing and darkness but there is little point writing this blog if it doesn’t give a true insight into the mind of someone battling crippling depression.

The list is endless. Career that millions would love to do? Yep, fucked it up. An amazing partner and family that millions would love? Yep, fucked it up. A chance to be financially secure,an opportunity that millions would love? Yep fucked that up as well. Sat here in my 30’s with nothing to show for it except a trail of broken dreams, a collection of people I have hurt, regrets, remorse, depression, and self loathing. Not for the first time I am thinking what is the point carrying on. The future feels bleak again and the darkness has enveloped me again. I’m not sure I have the strength to push on again. I had the opportunity to have an amazing life with good friends, love with someone amazing and special, a career to be proud of and the support of a good family, now I have a fraction of that. As I lay here trying to go to sleep, a question that will haunt me, will be how did I manage to get to this stage? Just when did I lack the insight to see what I could of had in life? Life feels pointless and really who would miss me? A handful of people perhaps but they would move on as life has a to go on. It feels like the end could be near for me. So many questions I am asking myself today but there is one quote that I have used before and it was by the great wordsmith, Jim Morrison. I read it all the time and it resonates with me and makes complete sense to me,

“People fear death even more than pain. It’s strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend…”

If all I have to look forward to is a life of pain and hurt then I will embrace the day the pain is finally over. People who know my struggles should acknowledge that the pain will have gone for me. Finally.

Thanks for reading.