Today is one of those days.

Today is one of those days.

As soon as I opened my eyes today I knew it was going to be a struggle. A down day, a dark day, a low day, a day where my depression attempts to overcome me and submit me. The way I describe it, is its like having a fog surrounding my head that engulfs me and slows me down. It blunts my emotions and energy trying to pull me down. If I didn’t have a busy life I would literally lay in bed until it passes and I could face getting up and getting on with life. If it happens to be a day where I have plans or I am at work I force myself through it and get on with it as I have no choice. I have become so good at covering my illness that it feels like I am wearing a mask. I tend to withdraw from interaction where possible and interactions for me become short and snappy. I choose to sit away from people at work during my break and I prefer the solitude. I have a short fuse and the most mundane of things that everyday life throws up become a big issue, causing me to get angry over small things that should in reality just wash over me.

Very few people can spot the signs as I go about my daily routine. The physical signs are subtle, my head is low when walking, I mumble ever so slightly and my interactions with people become pretty one way with me rarely starting those interactions. Social media is far removed from my thoughts normally, as I just am not interested in anything beyond doing as little as possible. The choice of music I listen to changes, I have a specific play list of songs that I listen to when I am feeling like this. A collection of music that explains how I feel, the playlist is entitled ‘Dark Times’. My head is swirls with random thoughts, I get ever so slightly twitchy and I can’t relax. I have experienced it for so long I know when it is happening but only recently I have acknowledged what is actually happening. My sleep pattern is often disrupted and I will wake up at 4 or 5am and have to get up as I am unable to go back to sleep as my mind is whirring. Distraction sometimes works, normally in the form of doing some exercise but it is a struggle to find the motivation. Getting out of bed on a day like is a triumph in its self so anything else is a bonus for me.

Until recently the people nearest to me were unaware I was suffering in this way and I would of just kept quiet and let the phase pass. This changed when I was forced to admit my problem. I was hurting the people closest to me and I had no choice but to go see my GP and get the help I need. I often lack insight into how my behaviour is affecting others and I can become selfish and self absorbed. I basically want to be left alone in a dark room until it passes which clearly isn’t an option unless you don’t have a job or any responsibilities. For years I have successfully suppressed these feelings and kept my ‘mask’ up to protect myself, until recently, when it became too much of an issue for me to contain anymore and I had face the realities that my depression was causing a lot of problems. There is apparently a pattern to my behaviour that I can’t see but those close to me can and it has taken a lot of patience and perseverance on their part for me to see sense.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, professional football is a very male dominated environment and any weakness is used against you. I think this teaches you from a young age to suppress your feelings and not show any emotion so that it can’t be used against you. I feel this is where the roots of my depression started and made it difficult for me to express myself fully. Also when you play in front of thousands of people every week they are looking for any reason to put you off your game so again any perceived weakness is used against you. If you look at top level professionals their mistakes are used against them in the form of abusive chanting at grounds home and away. I can only imagine what the pressure is like at that level. Intrusion from the media and general public into their everyday lives must be intolerable. Ex-professionals are another example of the difficulties a career in the spotlight can bring. They can’t comment in the media without their previous mistakes being brought up and used against them for years to come. This is evident if you follow any high profile ex professionals on twitter and the abuse they receive. 

Thanks for reading.