Teetering on the Brink

How I’m feeling right now I know things could go either way. Up or down. I know the feelings that are bubbling up, the pattern my mind takes when staring into the depressive abyss. Thoughts rushing, emotions raw, anger, remorse, regret, self loathing, hypersomnia, insomnia and shutting down from everything. The thing is even when you know it’s coming it’s hard to stop, like a train heading straight towards you and you can’t get out of the way. It’s horrible and hits you right in the stomach. It’s something I have experienced so many times now that I’m growing weary already thinking of the next few days.
Tomorrow will be the real acid test. What I do when I get up. Do I force myself to get out of bed and exercise, take my tablets and try to have a positive day. Or do I spend the day wallowing around in my depressive mood. I need to push through to the other side and be strong. But for what? But for who? I have no one who relies on me, no one who needs me. No reason to get out of bed and exist. When these depressive periods hit it hits home just how irrelevant you are. How insignificant you are to the majority of people. Just why you are on your alone, lonely, a rare person in life who is unlovable to anyone. Maybe I need to be Saved? Loved? Sectioned? All of the above. Truth is I don’t know what I want, but it’s not to live this life anymore. 
Thanks for reading.