Hope.

They say hope kills. In my case hope is killing me slowly and methodically. It’s over 2 years since I first started this blog, and at least double that where I have been suffering with depression. Every day I wake up and think ‘Is this it? Am I better?’ Or the more commonly ‘Fuck. Here we go again.’ Even when I feel good, the shadow of depression is hanging over me. It is so long since I have gone an extended period without feeling low that I fear I will never be rid of it. 

When I read about depression, people over simplify it. You should do x, y and z, it will cure you. If only it was that simple and I think it’s important for people to realise that it doesn’t always work at least in the short term, despite people’s best efforts. Certainly different things work for different people but what about those that nothing works? Then what? People like me, who just struggle on and try and win the daily battles. Small victories just to exist, it’s exhausting and debilitating.

At present I am dealing with so much self loathing, regret and hate towards myself I can barely function. My day to day life is affected so badly by my poor life choices made in the past, often caused by my depression that I can’t get over it. When I look in the mirror I see at the root a good person, a person with many good qualities but they are overshadowed by my faults. I can feel my friends becoming desensitised to my behaviour and almost shrugging their shoulders when I mention my mind state. That’s not a criticism, just an observation on my part and I know they are there if I reach out. However people have their own issues and problems in life without me burdening them and I feel loath to share my issues. 

When I look at my life I can’t think of one area I am happy with. I have enough insight to understand that I need to change things but it seems like an insurmountable challenge and one I don’t have the strength to conquer. The easy option is to give up, to fold, to quit. Depression is such an insidious disease and one that destroys people. Everyone has their limits. I feel like I am approaching my limit. Then what? Where do I go? I have talked about suicidal ideation in a previous blog post and I still very much have this strong feelings. 

Another strong feeling I have daily is to just go. Literally turn my phone off and go. Drive to the end of the country, live and sleep in my car and just escape. Would it solve my problem? No. But it’s a fantasy that I often want to make a reality. One day I might do it, one day I might stop running. One day I hope to be better. 

Hope, they say it kills. In my case the jury is out.

Thanks for reading.