My ever changing mood.
Being depressed isn’t that hard from a practical point of view. I do much the same but with less enthusiasm and less interaction. The hard part for me is waking up feeling ‘normal’ or ‘happy’. It takes me by surprise and I don’t know how to deal with it. It happens so rarely that I don’t trust myself to feel like that for longer than 1 or 2 days so I tend to view it with scepticism. It places incredible pressure on my relationships both at home with family and at work with colleagues. It like I am physically there in body but not in mind. I would imagine I am very difficult to be around during these down periods and luckily I have the support of my family. Without work or family getting out of bed for me would be a challenge and I can sympathise with those people who are out of work or alone in life. Just recently I have been fighting the urge to take the easy option and phone into work pretending to have a ‘bug’ or some other phantom illness just so I can stay in bed and not race the world. Thankfully I have had the strength to push these feelings away and get on with life. I feel ashamed at times that I feel like this and also the way I have made those close to me feel.
Depression is such a selfish illness in that it closes you off from the world and makes you put up barriers to protect yourself. This causes unintentional hurt as you push those who care most, away from you when you really need them in close to help. I am grateful for the career I had as a footballer and I also recognise how privileged I was to have the opportunity to do so. I think that is why I am clear that for now I would like the blog to remain anonymous. I recognise I did a job that millions would love to do and in no way am I seeking sympathy. The truth is depression transcendes all walkes of life, rich or poor, young or old. It doesn’t discriminate about race, religion or gender. It can affect anyone at any time and be triggered by anything. A death, a job loss, financial worries, illness, the list is endless.
Suicide is such an emotive word and rightly so. I can’t imagine what must be going through someone’s mind at the point they choose to take their own life. It can be deemed as an incredible selfish act and one that leaves chaos for the loved ones that are left behind. It should be remembered though that people who choose to take their own life, are at that point acting completely irrationally. Nothing makes sense, apart from taking their life at that point and I would imagine that prior to the act taking place total clarity occurs and a sense of relief that the suffering is about end would prevail. I have thought many times about what it would take to go through with a suicide, I would go as far as to say I planned it in my head. I would never act on those thoughts as there are too many people I would hurt and I recognise the pain it would cause to those left in the aftermath. I truly hope I never reach a low that takes me to a place so dark I don’t fell I can continue with life, but as someone suffering depression with crushing lows it is always at the back of your mind just how bad things can get. There has been occasions where i haven’t answered my phone for a couple of hours and my partner has rang 8 or 9 times because she knew I was in a down phase and she was scared that I might do something. What a horrible thing to put someone you love through. I am truly sorry for putting her through that and I know she doesn’t trust me when it comes to my depression, as I have lied and covered it up for so long that the reality is blurred between what is happening and what I am allowing people to see. My parents are the best anyone could ask for and I know they are confused as to why I feel like I do after I receiving a fantastic upbringing and all the support I could ever want or need through my life. It hurts that I could out them through what I have.
Writing today’s blog has been very tough for me. When you write down how you have treated people close to you and the affect it has had on them it isn’t a nice feeling, intentional or not. I hope I can retain my insight into my condition and stop hurting those I love who just want me to feel better.
Thanks for reading.
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