Reflection and regret.

Reflection and regret.

I have had chance to reflect and take stock of my life over the last few days. Looking back at the blog I can see I have been in some dark places over the last few months. The last couple of days I have felt ok, not better by any stretch but less down, certainly. When I look back at my behaviour in the past few months, fuelled by my depression I have been difficult to live with but that doesn’t make me a bad person. Not wanting to socialise or get out of bed doesn’t make me a horrible person. Not wanting to engage with anything doesn’t make me a nasty person. I think its easy for the lines to be blurred between an illness and someone not acting very nice.

Ironically my life has become worse since I was honest about my depression, sort help, and started medication. My relationship is now over. Not through my choice but because the person I love cannot stand the sight of me anymore and cannot live with a person suffering with severe depression. I understand that. However hard it is to live with someone with depression it shouldn’t ever be forgotten that they are going through it 10 times worse and then some. Part of me wishes I had kept my depression a secret and pushed it away for longer. Maybe I wouldn’t of pushed my soulmate and probably the only person I will ever love truly, away. Maybe she wouldn’t have grown tired of propping me up on a daily basis. I will never know now. She deserves better than I can give and I genuinely hope she finds a happy ending with someone who treats her the way she deserves to be treated.

For someone with a history of reflection and regret related to my football career, one more thing to regret may not seem like a big issue but this is different. I have never regretted a relationship ending and it’s never not been on my terms. I have to take responsibility for my actions and try and not become bitter about it but I am hurting. More than I have felt for a long time, it must be bad because it is penetrating my depression and for the first time for a long time I feel emotion. I feel sad and I feel upset.

That person reads this blog and I regret sharing my darkest, deepest, thoughts because it has now been used against me on several occasions. Initial pride in being honest has been turned against me. Now it’s just anger at my words and I am made to feel guilty for feeling this way.
To that special person, my soulmate, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you down and couldn’t be the person you wanted and needed. The person you fell in love with. The person you deserve. I wasn’t strong enough to beat my demons even when faced who losing the best thing to ever happen to me. As I type this tears are welling and I regret not been able to make it work. I will always love you from the bottom of my heart and I will remember the many good times we had together. Always remember ‘You do something to me, something deep inside.’

Thanks for reading.