Lies, existing and anything in between.

Lies, existing and anything in between.

Lies. Little white ones that don’t harm anyone. If you have ever suffered with depression you will know what I mean.

“Are you ok?”
“Yes, I’m good thanks”
Lie. What I really mean is I’m not but this response will mean you leave me alone.

“How you feeling? Any better?”
“Yes, much better today”
Lie. I just feel less worse today than I did yesterday.

“What are you doing to help yourself?”
“Oh lots of stuff, medication, counselling, exercise, positive thinking.”
Lie. I spent yesterday in bed fighting to just get out and function, let alone help myself.

Little white lies that don’t necessarily hurt anyone directly, but what I find is no one really wants to get to the bottom of how your feeling. Sure they ask, but for someone who hasn’t experienced crippling depression it must be difficult to comprehend how exhausting and emotionally draining it is. If you look carefully, especially if they are male, their body language changes and the uncomfortableness of what your discussing becomes apparent. I have told a couple of people about my depression face to face and the look on their face has been priceless. Almost like I have told a joke that wasn’t funny and they are waiting for the punchline. Disbelief, lack of understanding, embarrassment, and awkwardness are some of the things I have experienced when discussing my illness with friends. There is clearly a taboo surrounding depression, specifically in men. These barriers need to be broken down. Hopefully this blog will do that even if it helps just one person to help understand what a close friend or family member is going through, then it’s a success.

At the moment I am existing. In a state of perpetual numbness. Food doesn’t taste of anything. I eat out of necessity rather than any pleasure. My sleep is broken, punctuated with waking in the early hours for no apparent reason. I get no joy out of anything. I’m just on the level, no sadness, no happiness. Just straight down the middle. It is probably my medication levelling my mood off, which it is clearly what it’s for. However what is the point living a life with no happiness, no joy. Sure life with out downs is better in theory but at least with the downs I used to get occasional ups. I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m a big boy after all. I just want to get a better understand of what the future holds because at the moment a life without emotions doesn’t sound like a place I want to live in forever.

Thanks for reading.