The struggle goes on.

Tuesday 20th of December 2011.

A date that will be etched in my mind forever. The first time I admitted to myself that I may have a problem with Depression. The first time I typed depression into Google. The first time I took an online depression test and found I scored off the chart for severe depression. The first time I was able to explain my symptoms and attach a reason. Why is this date so relevant today? Because I feel worse than ever. I was thinking about how long I have being feeling like this and how long it sustainable for anyone to feel this way. I’m struggling in a big way. I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. What if this is it? Two thirds of my life still to live and never being content or happy for longer than a few fleeting moments. If someone had said to me nearly 4 years ago things will get worse, a lot worse, I wouldn’t of believe them. If someone had said to me you will try different tablets, different therapies, different counselling and you will feel worse. I would of laughed.

Nearly 4 years down the line and I have never felt so alone and isolated. I want to withdraw from the world. I want to build a wall up around me so, so, high no one can ever get near me again. I can’t let anyone in again. I can’t trust anyone to not judge me, to see an illness and not a real person. I can’t allow someone to potentially use my illness as a weapon to hurt me again, to point score and turn others against me. No matter how small the chance, I can’t take it. I can’t experience this much hurt again, I’m broken. I’m physically and emotionally drained. I literally have nothing left to give anyone. I’m an empty shell of a person, a pale imitation of my previous self. A walking cliche of self loathing, misery and depression. I’m here in body but not in spirit. Where do I go from here? Every attempt at help has failed, self help, counselling, psychotherapy, medication, all failed. I’m afraid of happiness. I look at other people who are happy and I envy them. I just wish I had it in me to find it again. Instead I am alone. So very alone. The wall is going up though and I like it. It’s safe and secure in here. No one can hurt me again unless I take it down brick by brick. No one can find my heart and break it anymore. Lonely, isolated but safe.

This picture is very apt.

Thanks for reading.