It’s coming.

The blackness is creeping. I can feel it, stalking me, like a hunter with its eye on the prey. It’s going to be a long few days till the hunter stops circling and becomes disinterested and leaves me alone. Over the years I have learnt to heed the warning signs. The difference this time is I’m running completely on empty. Physically, mentally and emotionally, the light is flashing and the tank is empty. 

  
Insomnia is making things feel worse. I have the worse possible combination. It’s 6 months or more since I last went to sleep without headphones on. I toss and turn until my distracted brain turns off in the early hours. Without music or a podcast the dark thoughts invade my brain like the rising tide of flood water threatening to sweep all before it. Without my makeshift flood defenses in place I fear drowning or do I embrace it….?  If I’m lucky I sleep past 5am, if I’m not I get up and stare at the TV like a zombie, zoned out until day breaks and I force myself out.

Physically I’m in the worst shape of my life. Having spent my early adult years in great physical shape due to football, I am now overweight and I don’t like what I see in the mirror. The self loathing is perpetuated by the anchor of depression limiting my ambition to become physically better. I know what needs to be done but I can’t do it. 
Mentally I think it’s pretty clear, more so if you have been following my journey that I am in a pretty bad place even by my standards. 6ft 4 inches, 18 stone (ish…) and with the mental strength of a child. A fantastic paradox there if ever there was one. 

Emotionally, where to start? I’m struggling to comprehend being alone and starting from scratch at 33. Faced with the very real prospect of being alone for a long time. After all who would want to take on the burden of someone with a mental illness? Life’s too short as I have found out, for someone to stay with a partner who is dragging them towards the abyss like a pair of concrete boots, as I did to my ex-partner. How could I trust someone not to judge me and take the real me rather than the facade that is what people see? Rhetorical questions, the enemy of the depressive for sure. I don’t have the energy or desire to start again, to meet new people. That’s not what I want or need right now.

What do I want?  Sympathy? Not at all, I don’t want that. As these words come out unfiltered and spill out, I hope someone can take inspiration from my struggle. Even if it’s just one person who says “No. I won’t let myself descend into that place. I’m going to seek help” I have become a walking, talking contradiction. I smile as I type those last few words. Through my hypocritical gritted teeth I preach everyone should get better but me. A martyr lost to the cause. 

The truth is I don’t know what I want. To be better? The fantasy of being better is one I toss around from time to time before I realise just how far from that place I have become, how detached the feelings of joy and happiness are for me. I DO want to be better but other options are more appealing, like a child’s favourite comfort blanket, darkness, misery and sadness act like a warm embrace cosseting me.

Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t pity me. This is my life. If you do one thing after reading this, go see that person you know has depression, hold their hand, wipe their tears away, hold them tight. Let them know you’re there and you won’t judge them. Today might be the day they open up to you. They may not but it will lay the groundwork for a future date when they need you. Being around someone with depression isn’t easy, but it’s easier than having this illness. Imagine that person is on a train that is running away gradually picking up speed, Be patient, show then kindness, show them compassion and you might just be able to slow it down enough so they can get off  and prevent it from reaching its final destination, that point of no return. If you get there soon enough it may be enough for them to get off a few stops earlier before it runs away into the relentless darkness that precedes the final stop. My journey is descending into the darkness. The train is getting faster the surroundings gradually darker. 

Thanks for reading.

Alone.

For the first time in a long time I’m alone. It’s not a feeling that is unusual for me, but this time I am literally alone. This is different. No one to share news with, no one to create memories with, no one to be close with, no one to turn to when the world is a shitty place and you need refuge and comfort. Am I upset? Yes, very. Broken hearted in fact. A cliche of the most well known variety no doubt, but when the one person you thought would be a rock solid constant for the rest of your life, deletes you from their life, it hurts.

Who knows what the future now holds? It seems very bleak, bleaker than it ever has. The future that once was so full of promise now feels so very empty and pointless. The things that have been keeping me going, a relationship, a family, a life, have now been taken from me.

Thanks for reading.

I have a black dog his name is depression

It was Winston Churchill who famously referred to his depression as ‘the black dog’. The following video is superb at illustrating how it feels to have depression. I find it very powerful and accurate.

This little 4 picture slide is exactly how I feel every single day when I get ready to face the day. Amazingly powerful imagery and one that of you have ever suffered with depression you will be able to relate to.

I often look for things that can explain how I am feeling. Quotes, song lyrics, imagery, art, anything that can be a link to how I feel. I find the lower I am the more I look for those things. I have a few more plans for posts in the future and although I am not getting ‘better’ I am finding putting my thoughts down in this blog is helpful. The amount of views and visitors to the blog has been fantastic and the feedback has been positive. Hopefully the honesty in the blog shows through and people can relate to the issues I face on a daily basis.

Thanks for reading.